


Because Of You.

by Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I'm Sorry, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:25:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7381702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter/pseuds/Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're Opie's old lady and have to pick up the pieces after your life changes forever. Jax insists on helping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I cried the whole time that I wrote this chapter. Please don't hate me. I hope you like it! Thank you for reading! <3

"You're leaving the Son's?" I asked Opie shocked.  
"I want to be more then just that F/N. I want to give you the life you and the baby deserve." I sighed, part of me was elated that I wouldn't have to stitch him up and worry about him getting shot or killed all the time. However I knew better, he was a Son straight to his bones and that would never change. I've known since we were teenagers that he would die as a Son and I had made my choice. I knew that he was only having this revelation because I told him that I was pregnant last month and that he was freaking out.  
"C'mon Ope we both know that isn't gonna happen. You are who you are and that person is a Son. We have a fine life and I-" His phone started ringing and he tried to ignore it. "Answer it Ope." He sighed and yanked it out of his pocket. I walked into the kitchen to give him space, I knew it was club business and that he would tell me if he wanted to. I heard his heavy foot steps and felt his arms come around me.  
"I wanna talk about this more with you but I have to go." I nodded. "We'll talk later?" I nodded again and he kissed my head. "I love you baby."  
"I love you too Ope. Be safe alright?" I always told him that, even if I was frustrated at him.  
"I will be, I'll be back later." He grabbed his kutte and left. I rubbed my stomach and went back to making a snack. I took a minute to think about what it would be like if Opie wasn't a Son and I couldn't see it. After everything he'd been through for his club and all the jail time that he had done, I just shook the thought off.  
"It's a nice thought little one, but your daddy is a Son and that is our life." I got a call a few hours later from Opie. "Hey baby."  
"Hi love." I sighed, he only called me that when something bad was going on. I knew what was happening.  
"How long?"  
"What?"  
"How long are you gonna be in for Opie?" He sighed.  
"I'm not gonna ask how you knew, but a while I'm not sure yet."  
"Good reason?"  
"I gotta keep Jax and Chibs safe, I don't trust Tig and Clay is messing with dangerous people with long arms."  
"Call me when you know I can visit and all that." I was resigned. This was what I had chosen and for him it was worth it. Opie and I had been married for a lot of years now, and I knew that he was meant for me.  
"I love you baby, I meant what I said this morning." I scoffed  
"I love you too. But we both know that is a lie, stop bringing it up ok? You're a Son, and that's enough."  
"I gotta go babe, I'll call you soon."  
"Be safe baby."  
"Promise." We both hung up and I just put my head in my hands. My best friend and My husband were going to jail. I knew that Gemma would be coming by to see me soon, she always did when the boys went to jail. Sure enough she walked in about fifteen minutes later. She told me about Jax breaking up with Tara and that Tara was trying to pull him out of the club. I knew that wasn't why he broke up with her though, it was because she didn't understand that he wasn't at her beck and call. He came to me for advice on it more than once, Tara wanted to be number one to him and that would never be. She told me the boys wouldn't be in for very long because it was bought evidence and not to worry.  
"I'm pregnant Gem, I need him to be here with me. I can't do this alone." She took my hands  
"You will have him back It's gonna be ok sweetheart."  
"Then why do I feel like I'm never gonna see him again? I feel like I'm alone in this and I am fucking terrified!"  
"That's all them extra hormones talkin' sugar. You're tough."  
"I never had a solid parental figure Gem, and I am not exactly nurturing! I can't even remember to water that fuckin plant you got me for my birthday!" She laughed and shook her head.  
"A plant is different from a kid, you'll figure it out and hey I raised Jax and he turned out pretty fuckin great. I'll help you darlin'. Relax" I just sighed and nodded. She stayed for a while longer then told me to come by the club house later, I told her that I had to work and that I'd call her tomorrow. I was a bartender at a strip club, Opie was fine with that because I wasn't the one taking off my clothes and I made good tips.  
  
I had been to visit Opie once and I was getting ready to go today. I was going with Gemma and Bobby was going to see Chibs so it was like a family outing. The vibe in the car felt off but I just figured Bobby had gotten bad news from Clay and was pouting about it. I was waiting for Opie to come in when Jax came and sat with me. He looked like shit, his eyes were anguished and my heart stopped.  
"Where's Opie?" He looked down and reached out to take my hand in his. I pulled away from him. "Where's my husband Jax?" He looked up and he was in tears.  
"I'm so sorry darlin'. He was killed. H-he died to protect me." His voice cracked and I shook my head. I couldn't believe it. Not my Opie. He was gonna be a daddy.  
"That's not possible, no he's just hurt right? Jax? Right?" He shook his head  
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, he made a sacrifice that no one wanted him to make." I stood up and knocked over my chair, each word he said felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest.  
"Where is he Jax? I-I want Opie! I need Opie!" I sank to the floor and he came around to pick me up. He held me against him but I struggled against him. "Let me go! This is your fault! He is dead because of y-you! I wish it was you!" I wordlessly sobbed against him and I felt his tears raining into my hair.  
"It should have been me." He whispered in a broken voice as the guards came to make him let go of me. I slid to the floor and buried my face in my knees. I didn't want him to go, I was afraid that I would never see him again either. I'd lost my husband but I couldn't lose him too.  
"Jax!" I cried out and he struggled trying to reach out to me. "Don't leave me alone please!" He cried out and punched a guard to get free. He slid across the floor to me and wrapped his arms around me.  
"You're not alone darlin' I'll be out soon and I'll come for you. I'm so sorry. I'll make this right I swear to you. I'll make it right." I clung to him until Bobby came and pulled us apart. Gemma was crying and trying to console me as they dragged Jax away again.  
"Lets get you home sugar, you need to rest."  
"Did you know Gemma?" She buried her face in my hair and nodded. "You just let me walk into that? How could you Gemma?"  
"Jax wanted to be the one to tell you, h-he said that it was his fault and he should be the one to tell you he ruined your life." I shook my head, I had heard enough.  
"I want to go home."  
"I'll take you to my place, you can-"  
"No. My home." I said in a dead voice.  
"A-are you sure? That doesn't seem like a good idea-"  
"I'm sure." That was the last words that I said until she dropped me off.  
"I'll come check on you later?" She asked as her and Bobby exchanged looks.  
"I'll be fine." I said and got out of the car. I walked into the house that Opie and I shared, went inside stood in the entry way and screamed. I screamed all my rage, grief, anguish and sadness. I screamed for the father that he would never get to be, for my unborn child that lost its father, for the husband that I would never have again. I cried and screamed as I remembered every single moment that I had with him and for all the ones that I had lost because of what he chose to be. I screamed and cried and raged for hours until my voice was gone and my throat felt like it was bleeding. I sat on the floor in front of the door and beat my hands into the tile and I lost myself in the darkness that had overwhelmed me from the moment I saw Jax instead of my husband. _Opie, Opie, Opie. Gone, Gone, Gone._ was running on constant in my mind along with the broken and distraught look on Jax's face as he told me that we had both lost our best friend. I couldn't bring myself to move, I didn't want to go inside and look at all the pictures and memories that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I prayed that if you could die of a broken heart that it would happen and yet it never came. I sat there awake and conscious for what felt like years. The sun set, came up, someone knocked on the door at some point, they left and the sun set again later. I heard a bike pull up and there was a knock on the door the next day but I still didn't move. I heard the footsteps walk away and then a little while later there wash a crash in the kitchen. Jax walked into the living room and saw me sitting there.  
"Jesus F/N. How long have you been sitting here?" I didn't look at him or move. "Darlin'? C'mon you need to move." He picked me up and I gasped at how sore I was. "Have you been sitting there since my mom dropped you off?" I nodded once and he sighed as he sat me down on the bed. "Sh-she told me about the baby, have you eaten since then?" I shook my head and he went in the kitchen and came back with something in a cup. I shook my head.  
"Can't" I rasped and he winced at how fucked up my voice was.  
"It's soup it'll slide down. You have to do it. For him." I looked at him and felt myself tear up,  
"He doesn't care anymore."  
"Then do it for me, because either way you're gonna eat I just don't wanna have to force you." He said it gently and I just took the cup and chugged it before I handed it back to him. he took my hands in his and I winced. He shook his head and went to get something to clean the blood off.  
"I wish I could be with him." I said in my hollow raspy voice and Jax just looked at me.  
"I do too, but I guess we will just have to be with each other huh?" I nodded and slid up the bed so that I could lay down. He got up but I grabbed his hand and pulled him so that he knew I wanted him to lay with me.  
"I don't wanna be alone Jax."  
"I'm not leavin' you darlin' get some sleep." He laid next to me and I turned to face him, I kept my eyes open and he just looked back at me. "He asked me to take care of you. I know that you hate me and you should, but you have to let me help you, both of you." He put his hand on my stomach.  
"I don't hate you or blame you Jax. He made a choice and I knew that if it came down to it he would die protecting you. He loved you more than anyone and I know that he made this choice with you at heart. I'm mad at him." I pushed my hand through my hair. "He fucking left me alone when he promised me that he would come back to me safe and he chose to die when he knew that I needed him. I hate him right now, I'm mad at him, and then I love him and I'm sad and lost because I don't know how to live without him. I have to many fucking feelings and I can't even get drunk because he knocked me up before he fucking died! He left me all alone and I don't know what to do now. I c-couldn't even come all the way inside because this place is filled with him and us and now I'm just a me and- and- I ca-ant. " My voice broke, I started to hyperventilate and cry and Jax gathered me into his arms.  
"It's gonna be ok F/N. I will make it right and I promise that you will never be alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're my best friend and I need you just as much as you need me right now. We can help each other through this." I fell asleep listening to Jax's heart beating in my ear and I knew that I would still feel hollow when I woke up, I just hoped that maybe I was wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

I was wrong, waking up hollow would have been great instead of waking up and for that split second thinking that you were waking up with the love of you life, only to remember and have the grief bury you like a fucking wave. I got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up and must've woken up Jax because he was there holding my hair back and rubbing my back, telling me that it was alright until I was done. Nothing was alright and it felt like it never would be again.   
"Lucky bastard got out of dealing with my morning sickness" I grumbled as Jax helped me stand.   
"I don't think that was his intention darlin'. " Jax said and I nodded as I brushed my teeth. I looked at him and saw that he still looked a little rough around the edges. I think he was right, we both need each other.   
"Coffee?" He looked at me and nodded. I took his hand and led him to the kitchen. He sat at the table and I stood on my tippy toes trying to reach the coffee. Opie usually made it so he put it on the higher shelf. I stopped and sighed as I remembered that morning. _I put it up there because your coffee sucks so you have to have me make it baby and when you stand on your tip toes and stretch like that your butt hangs out from under my shirt._ "C-can you?" I whispered in that broken voice that I had recently acquired and pointed to the third shelf.  
"Sure darlin'," He grabbed it and handed me the can before he put his hands on my shoulders. I made the coffee and waited for it to percolate. I poured two cup s and got the milk out of the fridge. I knew he liked his coffee black but I needed some milk in mine. I went to take a sip and turned to look at him, he had his eyes closed and I grimaced.   
"I make my coffee strong enough to get up and walk away. That's why O-He made the coffee." He shook his head.   
"It's perfect, strong like I like it." I nodded and then sighed and set my cup down. "What?"  
"I can't have coffee." I grumbled and pointed at my stomach.   
"Shit that sucks." I nodded and banged my head on the table.   
"What do you have planned now that you are a free man?" I asked him and he just shook his head.   
"I thought I'd hang out with you if that was ok? I don't wanna be at the club house right now." I nodded at him   
"I have to work in a few hours though." He nodded   
"I'll come with, maybe I can get a job as a stripper?" I smiled softly and nodded.   
"You are pretty enough." He chuckled and I stood up. "I'm gonna go take a shower, there's stuff for breakfast if you want something." He nodded  
  
  
Three weeks later Jax was sitting at the bar talking to me when I had a free minute when my boss called me into the office. He asked me if I wanted to get a bump in pay by dancing in one of the cages. I didn't have to take anything off, I just couldn't wear much and I nodded. I would need the extra cash and each cage dancer had their own tip jar that was always full. I wasn't gonna tell Jax though because he wouldn't like it. Neither would Opie but I guess that didn't cross my mind since I was alone in this now.   
"Everything ok?" Jax asked when I went back out. I nodded and my boss came out holding a tiny bag.   
"Your uniform for tomorrow doll." I smiled and he set it on the bar. Jax snatched the bag before I could and pulled out a pair of bright purple booty shorts and a bikini top. He raised his eyebrow at me and gave me a serious look.   
"Suck it Jax I'm not stripping, its dancing in the cage and Its great money. Money that I can make for three months before my belly starts to show and I'll go back to bar tending." I gave him a look and he just shook his head.   
"I told you that I'd help you. I meant with the baby too F/N." I shook my head   
"This isn't your kid Jax. Just because you feel responsible for his death doesn't mean that you are, and I'm not gonna pin this kid or the financial obligation for it onto you either." I poured him another shot and smiled at him. "It's gonna be fine, it might even be fun?" He rolled his eyes at me and pointed to the clock. I was off for the night. I went and grabbed my bag from the back and made sure to grab my new uniform before we left. My car was in the shop so I was riding with Jax until it was fixed. My doctor told me that since I rode before I got pregnant that it was fine to continue until it became uncomfortable for me. I had given Jax Opie's bike because I didn't want it just sitting in the driveway haunting me. He tried to give me money for it but I refused, he was doing me the favor of taking it really. There was a club party tonight and Jax was dragging me with him. I hadn't been to the club house since Opie's wake. I had lost it when they had him all laid out like that, like he was a shrine and I had to cling to Jax so that I didn't fall into the black pit that was threatening to swallow me. He held me just as hard and I knew that we were anchoring each other. Chibs, Tig, and Gemma had stayed very close to me that night. Tara showed up so that she could try to look supportive to Jax but he ignored her. I told Jax that he could go to the party without me but he said that he wanted me to come with him, that it wouldn't be fun unless I was there.   
I was passed from Tig, to Chibs, to Bobby and then passed off to Gemma for hugs the second we walked through the door. Juice, Bobby, and Happy all smiled and waved at me. Jax told me that he was gonna go talk to Bobby and that he would be right back. I nodded and Gemma led me over to a chair.  
"You have glitter all over you and smell like tequila. Just got off work?" I nodded and she handed me a bottle of water.  
"Yeah I work tomorrow too, start dancing in the cage for an extra twenty bucks an hour." She frowned but didn't say anything about it. I knew what she was thinking. "It's not stripping, and only until I start to show then I'll go back to bar tending." She nodded and Chibs came and wrapped an arm around me.   
"Hello lovely. How are you?" He kissed my cheek.   
"Hi Chibs, how are you?" He nodded and I nodded back. I was beginning to feel the long day catching up on me so I leaned against the wall and pulled my feet up on the chair to get comfortable. Chibs shrugged his jacket off and draped it over me like a blanket. "Thank you. I'll give it back before I leave." He just shrugged  
"Don't worry about it darlin'." I pulled my baby book out of my bag and started flipping through it while Gemma was gone. She came back a little while later with a plate of food for me and I smiled at her.   
"Thank you, I was gonna eat when I got home." She gave me a look.  
"You were gonna go home, eat come crackers and go to bed don't lie to me." I smiled and shrugged.   
"I was gonna have a nice salad and glass of milk to wash down my vitamins Gemma." She rolled her eyes and laughed at me.   
"Bullshit. Eat your sandwich." I nodded and ate some of it. I wasn't hungry but I knew that was only because I felt empty all the time. That hollow feeling had never left me and I was starting to think it never would. I made myself finish it and Gemma looked happy about that. Jax came over and lifted me off the chair so that he could sit with me on his lap. I growled at him but he just laughed and settled in. "I haven't seen you much son of mine."   
"I've been around, I came and said hi to you a few days ago." She nodded and looked at his hands on my belly.  
"He's been following me around lately. Maybe if you tell him that I'm fine he will relax a bit?" I suggested and Jax scoffed.   
"Darlin' I think that ship has already sailed. He is around you because he wants to be." I shook my head and shrugged. The doors opened and Tara walked in.   
"Look Jax it's your girlfriend." I teased and he looked over my shoulder and grimaced.   
"What the fuck man? She won't take a hint." I went to move off his lap but he tightened his grip on me. Tara saw us and started walking over.  
"Hi Jax, Gemma... F/N." My name was said in a frosty tone and I scoffed.   
"What are you doing here?" Jax asked in a bored tone and I bet that his eyes were cold. I peeked at them... Yep frosty as an iceberg.  
"I-I came to see you, you haven't been to visit me in a while and I miss you." She gave a pouty look and ran her finger down his arm. He shifted away from her and rested his chin on my shoulder.   
"Been busy, club stuff." I nodded and she narrowed her eyes at me.   
"I didn't think that the old lady of a dead member counted as club stuff?" We both stiffened and I jumped off his lap and got right in her face.   
"Don't talk about things that you don't understand you dumb whore. Don't _ever_ talk about my husband. He hated you just as much as I do but he would never say anything. I'm not that kind." She cowered, I was only 5'5 and she had a few inches on me but it didn't look at it right now. She was bowed back away from me and I was standing with my fists balled up.   
"I-I didn't think-"  
"Oh, I know you didn't or you never would have insulted the man who died to keep the one you cant let go of alive, and especially not in front of his pregnant widow." She paled and looked at my belly before she looked at Jax. He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me back a step so that I was sitting in his lap again. She looked at the ground, turned around, and walked out of the clubhouse. Chibs and Tig started clapping and I looked at them in a daze. Gemma put a hand on mine and I noticed that they were still fists.   
"I think she needs to go home Jackie boy looks asleep on her feet." Chibs called out and I nodded. Jax grabbed my bag and led me outside. I handed Chibs his jacket as he hugged me and kissed my cheek on the way out.  
Jax drove home and stayed with me, 9 out of 10 nights he stayed with me, part of me felt bad that I was impacting his life so much but the other part of me was glad that I wasn't alone in this empty house. I had made a few changes to it, like a different set of sheets and blankets for the bed, and moving some of his stuff to the closet instead of the dresser. I tried to avoid the closet because it smelled of leather and Opie and it was to hard still. I skirted around his memory because I didn't know what to do with it. Be mad, sad, try to be happy, don't be happy? grief was never a choice but the others were a jumble of don't laugh and trying to be happy so that I didn't fall into that pit of despair that followed me. I needed to figure it out and I wondered if Jax was having as hard of a time as I was. I would ask him one day, I just didn't know when because if we started talking about it I knew that things would change.


	3. Chapter 3

I had never asked Jax what happened to Opie, he never told me but when he started having nightmares I knew that I would have to. He woke me up screaming "No Ope no!" and thrashing around on the bed for the third time this week. I shoved at him until he woke up and he started sobbing and clutched me to his chest tight enough to bruise me. I rocked him and rubbed my hand down his back.   
"Jax, It's ok. you're awake now shh." He sobbed and I rubbed his hair, he was so strong for me that I knew he needed to let it out. "Will you talk about it?" He stilled and I just ran my hand through his hair again.   
"I don't think you want to know." He muttered and buried his face in my hair.   
"I think I know what you're dreaming about and you've never told me what actually happened. Maybe it will help both of us if you do?" I let out a shaky breath and he clutched me tighter for a second before he let go and looked at the bed.   
"Uh did h-he ever tell you what happened to Tig's daughter Dawn?" I nodded at him and looked at the bed too. "The guy who did that-Pope- he uh had guards on the inside and used them to give us messages from him. He said that he wanted Tig to be in jail for the rest of his life to be tortured and that a Son had to die to make up for the loss of the man that Tig had killed that night." I nodded and gripped the blanket it my hand. "I-I uh was gonna do it, I waited until the last minute of the deadline and when the guard was gonna pick I was gonna say that it was me but Ope-" Jax broke off and took a deep breath. "He said 'I got this' and punched the guard and the guard pushed him into the empty room behind where we were being held for the meeting. Four of Pope's guys came out and He put up a good fight. He really did but four against one there was no way. He yelled at me to protect you, to take care of you and keep you safe as the last man bashed his head with the pipe. You were his last thought" He put his face in his hands and sobbed. "I watched my brother, my best friend die right in front of me. I tried to get in there but Chibs held me back and Tig had to help him, I tried to go instead F/N I swear I did but I couldn't get to him." I was sobbing in silent horror at the picture he just created in my mind. He hand't gone out quickly, he had known it was coming and it was brutal and awful. Jax pulled me into his lap and we mourned our loss together. I was horrified and I knew that was nothing compared to how Jax felt. He had to watch and know that he couldn't do anything to stop it. I clung to him and he wrapped his arms around me.   
"I'm sorry Jax." He looked at me with the most ravaged eyes I had ever seen and shook his head. "Yes, he made that choice and left you with the guilt, then he placed this burden on you and it wasn't fair."   
"Burden?"   
"His broken widow and unborn child." I said and he shook his head and took my face in his hands.   
"No baby, no. you're not a burden, I am here because I want to be. I need you, knowing that I am here with you keeps me strong." I nodded "I will get revenge for this and then we can both heal."   
"That won't help me heal Jax, you adding another kill or 5 kills or whatever will only make his death more senseless. He talked about you changing the club for the better and that is why he sacrificed himself. Don't let your anger cloud your conscience Jax. Please. Don't lose sight of what is right."   
"I believe it is right F/N. Killing the men who murdered my best friend is right and you know it, it makes sense doesn't it?" I just looked at him I wanted to say yes that I would help, that I would kill everyone that had a hand in it, but that anger scared me.   
"I see why you feel that way Jax, but please try to remember what I said ok?" He nodded and I smiled softly at him. "Did you want to try to sleep some more?"  
"Uh sure, c-can I hold onto you?" I nodded and climbed off his lap to get comfortable. He slid his arm under my head and wrapped his other one around me to pull me against his chest. "Is this ok?" I nodded he was _warm_ it felt nice. We both fell asleep within minutes and he didn't have another nightmare that night.  
  
  
***** **Three Months Later** *****  
  
  
"You don't have to come with me Jax, I can go alone." He gave me a look as he got into my car.   
"I wanna know what we- you're having, I've gone to all the other ones and the kid loves to kick me, its only fair." He said and I nodded at him.  
"Fine, but you have to help me shop for baby crap then." He rolled his eyes and nodded. Like he let me go anywhere alone anyway. It was always awkward sitting in the waiting room because there were babies _everywhere_ yes i knew that pregnancy led to babies but that didn't mean I was ready to be surrounded by twenty crying ones. Thankfully Jax was just as uncomfortable so I didn't feel bad. It was finally my turn and the doctor led is to a room and told me to climb up on the table. I was 5'5 that table looked like it was 5' so I looked at Jax. "Uh can I get a boost?" He smiled and picked me up like I was nothing and set me on the table. "I bet that killed your back. Sorry." I frowned and he gave me a weird look.   
"You're kidding right?" I shook my head and he laughed. "That was nothing darlin'." He pulled his chair closer and sat next to me.   
"Thank you for coming with me." I muttered and he looked up at me.   
"I want to be here, I've got a lot of love for that kid already and for its mama." I darted my eyes over to look at him and then back to the wall. _Love?_ He probably meant the friend kind, I told myself as the Doctor came back in.   
"Alright Mrs. Winston lets find out what you and your husband are having." She smiled at Jax and he went to correct her but I squeezed his hand and shook my head. It didn't matter. She put rubbed the goo on and then we heard the babies heartbeat as the screen lit up. We could see the babies profile and I looked over at Jax, his face was all lit up and he was smiling really big. "See that?" The doctor pointed to something and we both nodded. "That means that you're having a boy!" She smiled and took a couple pictures for us then left so that I could clean up. Jax and I were both quiet, thinking and I knew what we were thinking so I said it.   
"We're not allowed to be sad about this Jax. Yes it sucks that he isn't here to experience this, and I would give anything if he could be, but its not possible and we have to have some happy in our lives too. This is good news, its a little boy. Its hard to not think of the what ifs, but if we keep doing that we will go more nuts than we already are." I looked at him and he nodded at me.   
"I forgot for a minute that this wasn't my kid. I love you both and I feel like shit that I get to feel this way when it should be him." I looked at him.  
"That's the second 'love' you've used. What kind of love are you talking about?" He just looked at me for a long minute before he stood up and helped me off the table. His silence answered me more than words ever could. "So uh what do you wanna do now? We could go get lunch or I could torture you with maternity shopping?" I teased and he smiled softly.   
"Uh we can get lunch but I know that you have no food at your house so we'll need to hit the store."   
"Ugh fine we can be grown ups and go to the store." I whined and he took my hand to lead me outside.  
  
  
I hit the six month mark and knew that it was gonna be a hard go for the rest of my pregnancy. I felt huge and the little man was moving and kicking all the time. Jax had taken to talking to him and it seemed like he always had a hand on my belly when he could, I had asked him to help me pick out a name. He seemed surprised that I wanted his help but he had been there for me through every appointment, morning sickness, weird cravings, and I felt like this was his baby too even if it wasn't biologically his. He was working at TM right now and I was cleaning and washing all my laundry and the sheets for my bed. Jax had helped me clean out the office and put that furniture in the garage so that I could make that the baby room. I was going to clean that next, but I heard a knock on my door and went to answer it. It was Gemma, and she was carrying a huge box of stuff so I moved out of her way and let her in.   
"Hey Gem, how are you?" She smiled as she set down the box and hugged me. Chibs, Jax, and Tig came in with more boxes and they were all smiling. "Uh are you all moving in?" I asked awkwardly and Jax smiled.   
"I can if you want me too." Tig said and I laughed.   
"The guys from the club, and their families have all sent you things for baby boy here but we figured that you wouldn't want a party so we just had them bring it by the club house for us to bring to you." Gemma told me while the guys went back outside.  
"Wh-why would they do that? I-I'm not an old lady anymore." She shook her head at me.  
"You're not, you're _family_ and we all love you darlin'. Opie or no." I hugged her and she laughed as she patted my back. "Look at that bump!" She rubbed it when I backed up and the baby kicked her hand. The guys came back in with bigger boxes and set them down in the baby room. Jax had a tool belt on and so did Chibs. "I think this will get you started nicely darlin', if you don't like the crib I can exchange it." I looked at her.   
"Crib? you bought me a crib?" She shook her head.   
"I bought bruiser there a crib." She smiled. "I get to spoil a baby and you can't stop me." I laughed and nodded   
"Thank you so much, all of you." Tig, came and hugged me, well he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, Gemma patted my back and told me that they had to go back to TM but Jax and Chibs were mine to boss around as I wished. I laughed and my face turned red when Chibs winked at me. I told Chibs that he didn't have to stay and work that he could just hang out but he shook his head.   
"Jackie boy can't figure out this high tech baby furniture alone." He teased and I laughed  
"Fine but I'm gonna try to get you drunk then because Jax bought enough beer for twenty and I refuse to let him drink all of it alone." He nodded and I went to get them beers. Jax followed me to the kitchen and hugged me.   
"I missed you today." I hugged him back   
"I missed you too." He pulled back and looked at me intensely for a minute before he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. It felt _right_ and he felt it too because he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me again. We both pulled away and stared for a second. Jax and I were in a weird place, we acted like a couple but we didn't kiss, have sex, or say that we were one, well I guess we had kissed now, but we never had defined what we were and I wasn't going to be the one that brought it up. I smiled at him and handed him his beer. "So, baby stuff huh? I can help read the directions since men don't do that?" He laughed and Chibs yelled from down the hall that he was a man but he still wanted it put together right so he would use the directions. I moved around Jax and headed to give Chibs his beer. He smiled and rubbed my belly before I left them to it.  
I was putting the sheets on the bed and ranting at myself. _What was that?! A great kiss sure but what did it mean?! Did it mean anything, did I want it to? Was I in love with Jax? AM I IN LOVE WITH JAX?! Yes. Yes I am._ I groaned and flopped onto the bed. "Having fun love?" I looked up at Chibs and nodded.  
"Yes, I got tired so I'm resting for a second."   
"I heard your thoughts yelling from all the way out there." He sat next to me and I sat up to look at him.   
"Where's Jax?"   
"Outside having a smoke." I nodded and he took my hand in his. "He would want you _both_ to be happy sweetheart, even if that means with each other." I sighed   
"How can I be happy with someone else Chibs? He was my husband for years and now he is gone for like seven months and I might be in love with his best friend? That isn't right."  
"Who says whats right? You both helped each other mourn, grieve, and heal F/N, that leaves a mark on the soul."  
"I'm pregnant with someone else's kid, How is that gonna look?"   
"His best friends kid, that already makes it at least half Jax's anyway with how close they were. That boy loves you, he told me what you said to him about seeking revenge and that he decided to not make Opie's death a waste, that you wouldn't want him to go that dark. He loves you."  
"I feel like he is acting like this because Opie made him promise to take care of me Chibs, What if he gets tired of it? I don't want him to feel trapped by a promise." He shook his head at me.   
"You're scared to love him because you already lost one love of your life and if you let him Jax will complete you like you do for him. That isn't what Opie would want. He would want you to be happy and whole and for your son to have a happy and safe mother. Why do you think he picked Jax to protect you? Because he knew that Jax will take care of you and love you forever even if you're to afraid F/N. If you tell him that you love him you better be sure because he will never leave you after you do. Talk to him, that's my advice." I nodded and just looked at him. We heard the door open and close before Jax came down the hall.  
"Having a slumber party without me?" I looked up at Jax and smiled.   
"Yes Chibs took your side. Sorry." Chibs flopped down on the bed and crossed his arms.   
"I think three can fit." He said  
"I count as two with this huge belly." I said and he shook his head.   
"You're like Jax sized now tiny one, I'm surprised that Opie never squished you." He looked at me and grimaced. I started to laugh  
"He-he would, I'd have to be sure not to lay on his side until he was in bed because if he laid on me I was stuck." I giggled and Jax laughed  
"He told me that he was afraid to roll over on you because you would be stuck to the bed forever." Jax and Chibs started laughing   
"We, oh god, he wanted to have sex in my car once and he got stuck because he was so tall." We laughed harder and Jax sat on the floor because he couldn't stand it. I had tears rolling down my face when we calmed down. "I miss him." I said on a laugh and they both nodded.   
"He's here in his own way though." Chibs said and I smiled.   
"I know." Jax came and sat on Chibs making him groan.  
"You weight a ton boy-o." I laughed  
"I was trying to make this bed guys."   
"Making the bed is overrated." Jax said and I just gave him a look.  
"What do you guys want for dinner? I'm getting hungry and since your here I'm feeding you Chibs." Jax just shrugged and Chibs smiled at me.   
"Whatever you want love, I am not picky."  
"Homemade pizza it is, but if Gemma asks I ate a fucking salad got it?" They both laughed and nodded. I made three different kinds because Jax ate like a teenager still and if Chibs did too then we would need them all. It took about an hour and by that point the crib and changing table were done, and they were almost done with the bassinet for my room. I had a dresser in the garage that would work for the baby clothes and the stroller and car seat were already in the trunk of my car. Tomorrow I could wash all the bedding and clothes that I had gotten and I told Jax that he had to help me with thank you cards. He scowled but agreed when I gave him a puppy dog face.   
Chibs left after dinner and gave me a 'talk to him!' face as he walked out. I went to change into sleep clothes which turned out to be a shirt that I had stolen from Jax's laundry pile and a pair of shorts before I went to clean the kitchen. I was washing the last pan when Jax came in from the baby room.   
"Is that my shirt?" I turned and smiled at him.   
"Uhm yes, I'll give it back if you want it though?" He shook his head and walked over to me.   
"Looks good on you." He wrapped his arms around me from behind and put his hands on my belly. My heart rate and the baby started to kick and he chuckled. I dried my hands and turned around so that I was facing him. His eyes looked bright and they were trying to figure out what to do next. I smiled and put my arms on his shoulders so that I could play with the hair on his neck. I pressed him forehead to mine and put his hands on my hips. I leaned up and kissed him gently before I pulled back and looked at him.  
"I love you F/N."


	4. Chapter 4

I didn't let myself over think I just replied. "I love you too." His face broke out into a beautiful grin and I felt mine mirror it.  
"I was afraid that you were going to tell me to beat it." I laughed and shook my head.  
"Chibs basically told that if I didn't tell you he would." He smiled and nodded  
"He told me the same thing while we were putting together the crib."  
"You're not just saying that because Opie asked you to take care of me right?" I had to know, I just had to.  
"No! not at all, I fell in love with you for my own reasons, not because of Ope... Did you fall for me just because I'm here and you don't want to be alone?"  
"No! Jax, I love you because when you leave I miss you and I can't wait for you to come back. My heart misses you, it's not fear of being alone." I smiled at him and he nodded and leaned down to kiss me.  
"So, Uh what are we?" He asked  
"Uh, what do you want to be?" I had no idea what to say to him.  
"I don't know, I want to be with you if that's what you want? Like you're my girlfriend or whatever." He tried to sound nonchalant and I laughed softly.  
"Alright, that sounds good." He nodded and then his phone started to ring. He looked at the caller ID and frowned.  
"Yeah?" I walked away to give him privacy. He talked fora few minutes before he came into my room. "I have to run out for a little while, are you gonna be ok here?" I smiled and nodded.  
"I'm fine, Be careful ok?" His eyes softened and he nodded.  
"I will be, I'll see you soon." I heard the door close and I listened to the quiet for a few minutes. Chibs was right, healing with someone did leave a mark and it was a deep one. I knew that Jax and I weren't making a mistake I just worried what other people would think about me moving on with my husbands best friend. I turned on my computer and started to play some music, I didn't like sitting in quiet for too long. I must have dozed off because when I rolled over my computer was gone, the light was off and Jax was wrapped around me. I smiled and burrowed closer to him.  
"Hey darlin'." He mumbled  
"Hi. when did you get back?" I ran a hand through my hair.  
"Not to long ago, you were sleeping so I just climbed in with you." I nodded.  
"You always sleep here now, I'm surprised you haven't moved your stuff in yet." I mumbled half a sleep. He paused and then turned his head to look at me.  
"I didn't know that was an option." He said and I nodded.  
"If you want to then it can be." He nodded and rubbed my belly.  
"Ethan?"  
"Ethan?" I asked him and he nodded.  
"Ethan Winston?" He tapped my belly and it clicked.  
"Oh! Ethan... I like it. Ethan Thomas Winston?"  
"Thomas?" I nodded and looked at him  
"Chibs said that since you and Opie were so close that made this little guy at least half yours already and I figured that would be a good middle name... if you want?"  
"I really like that idea baby." I smiled at him and then I remembered  
"Oh, did you get whatever you needed to do sorted out?" Jax kinda froze but nodded slowly.  
"I did something and I'm not sure that you would like it." He said quietly and I just looked at him.  
"Did you think it was the right thing?" He nodded. "Then it doesn't matter. It's not my business." He just looked at the ceiling and thought for a minute.  
"I let Tig kill the man who was responsible for Dawn and for Opie." He told me and I just nodded.  
"Do you feel better?"  
"Kind of, but it doesn't change anything. Tig needed to do it."  
"That makes sense, I'm glad that you let him find what he thought was peace." I felt a little better because at least that monster was gone, but Jax was right, it didn't change anything.  
  
  
"Jax stop getting so mad! It wasn't a big deal!" I was messing around with Tig in the garage at TM and slipped. Jax was losing his mind because I was 7 months along now.  
"What if you hurt yourself? Why were you even in the garage with Tig alone to begin with?" I scoffed and looked up at him.  
"You're kidding right? I was looking for you because _you_ didn't show up for the ultrasound appointment..." His eyes widened and he clapped a dirty hand to his face.  
"Fuck, I fucking forgot. I'm sorry, I've been trying to finish this bike for Clay and-" He sighed and looked at me. "I'm sorry."  
"Yeah, you kinda just accused me of fucking Tig, and that is not ok." He grimaced and frowned  
"I didn't mean it like that, it just came out. I know that you don't see him like that. I was freaked out when he told me you fell and it made me stupid." He took a step closer to me and I took one back.  
"Oh no greasy biker, that isn't gonna happen." He looked at his hands and smirked. "Jax-" I warned but he jumped over to me and grabbed my hands to pull me closer to him.  
"I'm sorry. Really. Really. Really. Sorry." He kissed me after each really and I laughed and shook my head at him.  
"I forgive you, just shut up and let me show you this." I pulled the picture out of my bag and turned it to face him. His eyes lit up and he touched the face gently.  
"He's perfect, look at him." He smiled and I nodded.  
"In a few weeks we get to hold him and I _can't_ wait for that." He nodded and Gemma came into the office.  
"Mom look!" Jax pointed at the picture and I handed it to her.  
"Aw look at that face! He is gorgeous!" She rubbed my belly and smiled at the two of us. "You two look cozy in here." My face turned red and I shook my head.  
"I was telling your charming son off actually." She nodded and patted my shoulder.  
"Good girl." Jax scoffed and gave a 'hey!' look. I stuck my tongue out at him and smiled.  
"Ok, I've done the baby picture delivery thing, now its time to go home." Jax frowned. "Unless you want me to stay here so you can keep an eye on me because you are an obsessive worrier?" He grinned and nodded. "Fine, but only because I know you'll worry about me more because of earlier." I scowled and he kissed my cheek.  
"Thank you baby." I rolled my eyes and nudged him out to the garage.  
"Need help Gem?" She was smiling at me and shook her head.  
"You're good for him. You and Opie were great but you and Jax work great too in a different way. You make him better." I shook my head.  
"He _wants_ to be better so he uses me as the excuse to do it. It's all him really though."  
"I'm sorry for the circumstance, but I'm glad that you're both happy."  
"I love him. It's different from how I loved Opie but just as strong and I am glad that you approve. It means a lot to me Gemma." She hugged me and nodded.  
I stayed in the office with her for a little while but then I wandered out to the garage to see Chibs. He was talking to Tig about 'random shite' that Bobby wanted to know and I just leaned against him while he talked. We migrated over to the clubhouse while Jax took a break and I ended up falling asleep in the booth until Jax got off work. He woke me up gently and told me that I needed to wake up so we could go home.  
"I'm awake. I was just thinking with my eyes closed." I muttered and he laughed  
"Well think with them open so we can go home huh? I need to take a shower and I might need your help." I looked at him and scoffed.  
"I take up all the room in that shower alone babe, nice try though." He grinned and we headed out to my car. Jax had moved in two weeks ago and had helped my box up the things of Opie's that I wanted in the garage. I kept some of his stuff out and pictures, but most of it had relocated to the garage and I was ok with that. It wasn't getting rid of him. It was moving his stuff to make room for Jax and Jax had explained that to me when I started having a hard time. Jax was getting more worried about me getting hurt because I was off balance a lot. I was all belly and it tipped me forward if I wasn't careful.  
  
  
"Jax wake up!" I yelled at him from the kitchen.  
"Babe?"  
"I think Ethan is coming early! I think my water broke!"  
"You think?!" He yelled as he skidded into the kitchen.  
"I'm wet and I didn't pee so yeah I think so!" I said in a terrified voice. He nodded and walked over to me so that he could help me change.  
"Lets go get dressed and get your bag ok?" He was trying to be calm and I just nodded. He was fine until we started to drive to the hospital and I had a contraction.  
"Oh Fuck!!" I leaned forward and gasped.  
"Babe? Are you ok?" I nodded  
"Fine, fine just wow that was intense." I gasped and he nodded and drove a little faster. We made it to the hospital in about ten minutes and he ran inside to get a nurse. They came out and got me and wheeled me right back to get examined.  
"Are you the father?" They asked him and I said yes when he said I don't know. I scowled and the nurse just looked at me.  
"Biologically no, Physically yes." She nodded and handed him a scrub gown to put over his clothes. He had called his mom and told her that it was baby time before we left the house and she said that she would call Chibs and head over. Jax was being really calm and I knew that was only on the outside because he had crazy eyes. I gasped and clenched my fists as another contraction hit and muttered under my breath. "Son of a fucking bitch!" Jax rubbed my back and offered his hand for me to squeeze. I shook my head. "I don't wanna break your hand babe." He laughed but nodded and helped me climb into the bed so that I could get looked at. An overly cheerful doctor came in and told me that it was 'almost time to push push push!' and Jax and I gave her 'seriously' looks.  
"Babe, I'm scared. I don't think I can do this." He looked at me and ran his hand through my hair.  
"Yes you can sweetheart, what are you scared of?" I looked up at him with terrified eyes and just shrugged.  
"Everything, what if I'm a fucked up mother because god knows mine was, and how do I tell him that his birth father died before he were born but his daddy loves him very much and chose to be with us? What if I am such a terrible mother that he gets taken away from me like I did. I-I'm not ready Jax."  
"You're gonna be a great mother baby, you're kind and caring and yeah you kill plants but Ethan will be fine. We will explain what happened to Opie together when the time comes, and you are ready, you're just scared right now but once you hold him and see that he is fine you will fell better."  
"Promise?" He smiled and nodded.  
"I fuckin promise baby." Sure enough he was right. I got to hold little Ethan Thomas Winston and all was right in the world. He had all ten fingers and all ten toes and he was perfect in every way. Jax and I both cried when we held him for the first time and we were grinning like fools when they took him to get cleaned up and checked out.  
"I did it." I told him and he kissed me  
"You did it. He's perfect." I nodded and smiled at him.  
"I love you Jax, thank you for being here and keeping me anchored."  
"I love you too baby, thank you for sharing him with me. I can't fuckin believe it." I chuckled and nodded at him. "Can I go tell my mom and Chibs that everything turned out great?"  
"Yeah bring em back if you want to." They were both in love with Ethan when they got to hold him and Gemma teared up because he was so beautiful to her. I had called Piney and told him that he had a grandson and he was happy and said that the next time he came down he would come see him. I fell asleep with Chibs holding him and when I woke up Jax was mumbling to him as he rocked him in the chair by the bed.  
"I love your mommy very much little man and I promise that I will be a good dad for you, we'll having you on a Harley in no time."  
"Maybe we should start with a Big Wheel first huh?" Jax looked up at me and laughed.  
"Well if you think that's best." I nodded and smiled at them. I felt like Opie would be happy that Jax and I found each other, He would want us both to have someone and there was no one that he loved or trusted like Jackson Teller, that meant all the difference in the world to me.


	5. Chapter 5

"Jax? Ethan?" I called out as I walked through the house, they should have beat me home from practice. "Ja-Ah!" I shrieked as they jumped out and scared me.   
"Surprise mommy! We got you!" I sighed and put a hand over my face as I sank to floor. "Mommy?" Ethan walked over to me and I snatched him up and started to tickle him.   
"That was a mean thing to do to your mama!" He was screaming and giggling and trying to wiggle away from me. "Are you sorry?"  
"Yes! I-I'm sorry mom st-stop it!" He giggled and I set him upright on my lap and kissed his face all over. "What are you gonna do to daddy?" He asked and I raised my eyes to Jax.   
"Something really really mean that will make him sorry he was mean to me." Ethan nodded and laughed as Jax gave us a sad face. "Not gonna work bud, you scared us." His eyes lit up but I missed it because I was listening to Ethan tell me about soccer practice. I stood up and hefted him over my shoulder as I walked out of the kitchen. Jax stuck his tongue out at Ethan and made him laugh, I set him on our bed and went to find something to change into. "Did you finish your homework?" I asked from the closet.   
"Yeah! Daddy helped me and we figured out that math it the work of Satan himself." I peered at Jax from the closet and he just grinned at me.   
"It's not so bad, I work with math all day and I survive it." Ethan shook his head sadly at me.  
"That sounds bad mom, I can't do that. Nope." I laughed and came out of the closet in Jax's shirt and a pair of yoga pants. He pulled me into a hug and rested his hands on my hips as he kissed me. "Ugh gross Dad!" Ethan gagged and I started to laugh.   
"When you kiss your wife one day I'm gonna gag at you and see how it makes you feel." Jax told him and I put my head on his shoulder. Ethan shrugged and ran into the living room to play. "How was your day baby?" I nodded and looked up at him.  
"Pretty good, how was your day dear?" I teased him and he gave me that look. I sighed and went to my bag and handed him a picture.   
"Really?" I nodded and he scooped me up and spun me around.   
"Jax! Not to fast I'm very susceptible to hurling these days!" I laughed out and wrapped my legs around his waist.   
"This. Is. So. Fucking. Cool!" He kissed my face after each word and I nodded.   
"Are you happy?" He pulled back and looked me straight in the eye.   
"Yes. Are you?" I nodded and smiled at him. "How far along?"  
"About 6-7 weeks, The doctor said that everything looked great and that this pregnancy should be as easy and Ethan was."  
"Can you believe it? We are married with a five year old and another on the way?" I shook my head and laughed. Jax had asked me to marry him two years ago and we were just as happy as we were before Ethan was born. We had explained why his last name was Winston and why Jax's was Teller and Ethan had understood. He wanted to 'meet' his dad so we took him to the cemetery where he could talk with him and I think that it made him feel better. He had Opie's hair and was going to be as tall as him. He had my eyes and some of my attitude, but for the most part he was Ope. Loyal, and not afraid to stand up for what's right, kind and always willing to help even if he is ready to drop. Jax was teaching him about motorcycles but we talked about him not being pushed into joining the club, if he wants to once he is 18 that is different but he will be encouraged to go to college first.   
"I can't believe it, who woulda thought that we'd be mature adults?" I smirked and he set me on my feet.   
"Whoa no one said we were mature! That sounds fucking boring!" I laughed and we went to start dinner.  
  
  
Nicole Rose Teller was born in the middle of winter with a scrunched up face and her fathers eyes. She had all the Sons, Gemma, Ethan and I wrapped around her finger and she knew it too. She was the missing piece that we never knew we needed. Jax and I felt blessed for the life that we had together. Neither of us forgot Opie or tried to pretend that it wasn't because of him that we were together but we made a life that was just ours and I loved, cherished, and appreciated each and every day of it. Jax had turned the club into something that his father would have been proud of and it was nice to not have to worry about him coming home in need of stitches or emotionally torn up. I knew that this life was precious and I was so grateful that I had two great loves in the course of mine. My children grew up and Ethan became a literature teacher having picked up his love of books an writing from Jax and Nicole became a nurse. She loved helping people and found that medicine called to her. I was so proud of how my children turned out and proud of the man that I got to grow old with.


End file.
